SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.

As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.

My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?

It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.

And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.

Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.


~Sam

Odds and ends

I stumbled upon a very interesting article.  I found I have many issues with this as a whole.   In the way that many men want and want and want, and are not ready to try giving.  So they take what they want, and they are done and gone.  So..  if she is worth it, read up.  Keeping a woman happy during sex, even if it is casual, should be something to take pride on.

How to you please your woman orally?

When Theory Meets Practice

Today I’m here to offer the very trite and clichéd advice “never say never.” I’ve recently discovered that if one says “never”, then Murphy ’s Law will sooner or later make “never” into an eventuality. Perhaps I should start at the beginning… 

I’m a member of a polyfidelitous female, male, female triad. We used to be a female, male, female, male quad. Wife has been known to date from time to time, and we’re all okay with that. We’ve been together nigh on five years now, and we’re functioning quite well as a family. This means that I know how to live as a poly person, right? Well, maybe not. Quite technically, I’ve been living monogamously in a polyamorous relationship. Hubby is our hinge, and I’m only sexually involved with him. I do not date. I’ve never wanted to date. Until now. 

It’s not like I didn’t realize the fact that I was living as a monogamous person in a poly relationship. I just never thought much of it, so it’s not like it was something always in the forefront of my mind. It was just a fact; I assumed it would always be a fact, so I never bothered to process what would happen if I eventually decided I didn’t want it to be that way. I am only in a poly relationship because when I found the love of my life, he happened to be married to my best friend. It’s not something that I actively pursued; it’s something that just happened. I’m pretty laid back and very open-minded, so the lifestyle suits me well. I entered into this relationship in order to be with the man I love. I had no desire to take it beyond that point or to involve any other people on my end of the equation. Until I did. 

So, theoretically, I am a poly person. In practice, as yet, I am not. I don’t suppose I thought it would ever matter, because I was one of those people who said “never,” and because I said never, when I met someone that I actually did want to date, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. We’d never discussed what would happen if I wanted to date, because when the subject came up, oh so long ago, I said, “That will never happen. I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.” Hubby stated that two women were plenty, and he didn’t want to date either. Wife was the only one who expressed interest in having relationships outside of our family, so we talked about that, we processed that, and when it happened, we all knew what to do and how to act. There’s a very important lesson there; she, along with us, her family, processed what would happen before it happened. This made everything infinitely easier to deal with for everyone, including her. 

When I came across a person that I wanted to get to know much better, I was completely flabbergasted. I kept asking myself, “How exactly did this happen? I said never.” So all of the sudden, I was not only dealing with a rather profound mental-emotional attraction, I was also in the midst of processing just exactly what I was supposed to do about that. I had no clue what my next move should be, because I hadn’t bothered to think about it before it actually happened. One would think that someone in a poly relationship would know what to do/how to act when s/he meets someone with whom s/he’d like to develop a relationship. This is why it’s very beneficial to consider these things beforehand. 

Of course, I’m not the only one this affects; it has an impact on my entire family. This morning I had the following conversation with my Hubby. 

Anna: “I think I would like to date.” 

Hubby: “Are you serious? Who? Why? Are you mad at me?” 

Anna: “Yeah I’m serious. It’s not someone you know. Because I’m attracted to him on several different levels, and why on earth would you think I’m mad at you?” 

Hubby: “Well, you’ve done some irrational things before when you were mad at me.” 

Anna: “Are you saying that me wanting to date is irrational?” 

Hubby: “Yes. No. Well, maybe. Listen Anna, it’s just that you don’t always make the best decisions, and besides, you said that you didn’t want to date anyone else.” 

Anna: “I know I said that. That was almost five years ago, and I meant it when I said it. I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I didn’t go out and try to find anyone else. It just happened. I met this person. I talked to this person. It never occurred to me to get involved with this person. The more we talked, the more I felt feelings developing. I’d just like to see where they go, and I plan on going very slowly.” 

Hubby: “What if I’m not comfortable with you dating?” 

Ummm, I had no idea how to address that question. I was completely at a loss for an answer. What if he’s not comfortable with me dating? Well, what if he’s not? He does have two wives after all. That’s how I answered the question, actually. 

Anna: “Why wouldn’t you be comfortable? You’ve got two wives after all.” 

Hubby: (after a prolonged silence) “I know I do, and I’m okay with Wife dating, but I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, because we’ve never really talked about it. I didn’t think it would happen.” 

The conversation continued along those lines for quite some time. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot, and then we talked about it some more. I’m still not sure how comfortable he is with the idea; though, he’s certainly more comfortable than when I first brought it up. It turns out that he has some insecurities that I never would have imagined in him. I had no idea, because we had never discussed it before. We never discussed it before, because I said never. I was kind of hurt and kind of pissed when he informed me that he was totally okay with Wife dating, but not me. The more I think about it though, the more strange sense it makes. He, and we as a family, addressed this with Wife a long time ago. She didn’t say never. She said “maybe;” she said “what if;” we all processed it and talked about it. It was out there, and we all knew that eventually it would happen, so when it did, it was a much easier thing with which to deal. 

Hubby and I have a lot more talking to do, and we will do it. The fact is, however, that we should have done it a long time ago That brings me full circle back to my original advice. Never say never. It will come back around to bite you if you do. It’s better to say, “Not freaking likely, but just in case I ever change my mind, let’s talk about it now. Let’s talk about what to do and how to act and what the ‘rules’ are.” This allows everyone some breathing room. It allows one to enjoy the ride. It makes it straight in your own head just what to do if/when you start developing feelings for someone outside of your family. It makes it possible to fulfill your needs without stepping over anyone else’s boundaries. Most importantly, it makes it possible to have a good time when theory meets practice. 

PolyAnna; February 02, 2006

The Big Green Monster

It's an ugly, mold-covered piece of unidentifiable foodstuff tucked away in the back of the refrigerator. It's the fang-toothed, wretched, product of our imagination boogie man tucked away in the back of the closet, waiting patiently to lash out at us as soon as we open the door. It's the rabid, wild, and totally unpredictable caged beast waiting calculatingly for us to make a mistake and inadvertently release it from it's bonds. It lashes out at you when you're the least prepared. Sometimes it causes nothing more than "love taps", while at other times it can cause deep, bloody wounds that will fester and become infected if left to their own devices. At times no amount of preventive medecine can cure it, while at other times it does nothing but cause you minor irritation. It is Jealousy.

When I first designed this community back in May, 2005, I did a piece about jealousy under the Emotional Issues section. I never second guessed what I had written until just recently. While in the process of conducting the interview with Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly, my own definition of jealousy suddenly became questionable to me. When asked her opinion of jealousy, she responded in part with:

"I don't believe that there is this one emotion called "jealousy", either. Jealousy tends to be an insecurity or fear within us that is ignited by a certain situation. And it's important to recognize that the insecurity is within us; while the situation might shine a light on the insecurity, it is something internal that needs to be dealt with as such."

This is the part that got me to thinking. Is it possible that jealousy is not an emotion all its own, but more a reaction caused by some other catalyst? I decided to talk to the family about it, and as one could expect received mixed responses.

The wife feels that jealousy is as much an emotion as fear, anger, hatred, etc. In her opinion, jealousy is an emotion because one feels it. If it can be felt, inside us, like the others mentioned above, then it's an emotion....right? Her base definition is that jealousy is caused by our inability (or desire?) to get something we want. If you see someone driving a brand new, flashy red convertible, you want one. This makes you feel jealous, but what causes that feeling? Is it because you want that car, but for whatever reason (financial, practical) you aren't in a position to get it? Or is what you're feeling actually envy over what that other person has?

When I talked to Kriek about it, he had a completely different take on jealousy. He feels that it is caused by a sense of selfishness, almost a side effect of self-preservation that causes us to instinctively seek to get something we feel we're being deprived of. While these two opinions are different, are they necessarily wrong in their definitions? I wasn't sure, so I did a little digging (with Kriek's help) into other perceived definitions of Jealousy.

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, has this to say about jealousy vs. envy:

"Some authorities distinguish between jealousy and envy on the ground that jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have."

This, for me, was a very good distinction between the two. One of the reasons I like these definitions so much is that Wikipedia is a collaboration of many voices. A consensus that tends to become more solidified as time goes on. The other reason I like this distinction is that it makes sense. I've always considered jealousy an emotion all it's own. Until now. The more I think about it, the more I tend to lean towards jealousy being a chemical reaction in our brains, caused by some other catalyst causing synapses to fire off at random. Jealousy, all on its own, doesn't have much power over us. Throw in some fear, insecurity, greed, what have you, and suddenly it grows claws that start burrowing into your brain. Once it takes hold, it can take a miraculous act of will to shake it loose. Trying to ignore feelings of jealousy would be like trying to run a marathon wearing cement shoes. You might do okay in the beginning, but it won't get you very far and you certainly won't overcome this obstacle and win the race. Neither will you win by slowly chipping away the pieces of jealousy, trying to free yourself from it over time. You need to simply pick up the sledgehammer and smash it away once and for all.

This isn't to say that it's entirely unhealthy to feel jealousy, as only you can decide what your body, mind, and soul need for nourishment in order to survive. At the same time, only you can determine what is unhealthy and therefore detrimental to your own health and well-being. While I know that it is true that some folks thrive under conditions that others find unbearable, that isn't my focus here. I'm merely hoping to establish the fact that one person's definition or perception of a particular word / emotion is not always the same as anothers. I've seen a lot of references to "this issue" or "that issue" as it pertains to a polyamorous lifestyle, but the fact of the matter is that we don't feel emotions any different than anyone else does. We have no "secret formula" for processing emotions, nor do we have access to any ancient oracle that makes us any less vulnerable to the emotional or physical hurdles that life tosses in front of us. If anything, our hurdles are magnified by the fact that we are living with not just one partner, but many.

If you think that life in a purely monogamous relationship has a tendency to send you into an emotional roller coaster, multiply that by two, three, four, or sometimes many more to fully understand the potential toll that a polyamorous lifestyle could inflict on a person.

To further try and explain my logic, I'll use the concept of lust. To me, lust is a purely chemical concept, driven entiirely by one's libido. Lust is not emotion, since it isn't usually influenced by anything other than sexual desire. Now, if lust progresses beyond the sexual desire, it can mature into love, or at the very least a crush of some sort. At this point it transforms itself into an emotion. Jealousy is somewhat similar, but almost in reverse. As I said, something generally happens to trigger feelings of jealousy. If you get angry, sad, or depressed because your significant other went out for the night without giving much of an explanation; a seed of jealousy can be planted. When your SO doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, the seed suddenly gets watered with even more jealousy.

How many times have you woke up in the morning feeling tired, cranky, sad, happy, excited, or what have you? I'm pretty sure that you wake up with at least one of these feelings every so often. Now, try to think back to a time when you woke up feeling jealous. Generally this doesn't happen without the catalyst mentioned earlier. Something has to exist to have triggered these feelings, a seed must have been planted in your subconscious somewhere along the lines in order for this to happen.

You may very well have your own thoughts on whether jealousy is or isn't an emotion all its own. I'm not here to try and redefine your emotional make-ups and definitions for you, I'm just here to give you something to think about. Now where did I leave that sledgehammer?

~ Chias, October 27, 2005

Instinctual Greed

In my opinion human beings are competitive creatures by nature. Since the beginning of (our) time it has been necessary for people to compete against each other for food, mates, and territory. When you feel threatened, the most natural reaction is to defend what is yours. Weather it be your material possessions or, in the case of this article, the love of your partner. 

I have a theory when it comes to jealousy, insecurity, and what have you. When we have something that other people want, most of us instinctively don't want to share. I may sound cynical, but I think that humans are fundamentally greedy. I believe that greed was an important characteristic for survival when our species was young. If you didn't fight for food, a place to live, and someone to procreate with, you wouldn't last long as a cave person. You had to gather all the resources you could, which spawned our more modern-day desire to amass all the wealth and material possessions we can, even though in this day and age it is not a life or death situation. 

Sometimes in poly relationships, one or more of the individuals involved feel the need to compete with other individuals for the attention of their mutual partner. Yes, human beings have evolved over time, our brains have become more complex, and we are capable of advanced thought patterns. While it is true that we can now control our instincts and emotions, and examine our feelings in an objective way, sometimes 'old habits die hard' so to speak. Our greed kicks into play and we puff out our chests and strut around like a peacock thinking, "look at me, I'm the best mate, you should love ME the most!" 

I believe that instinctual greed plays a large part in jealousy. You don't want to share something that you see as rightfully yours, and so you start feeling threatened and angry and jealous. To compound the problem, some part of you brain decides that the best way to deal with the situation is to prove that you are the biggest and best lover/mate/partner/etc. If you can just show the partner in question that YOU are the greatest, well, problem solved and all the yucky feelings will go away. 

This whole thought process leads to 'testing' your relationship (acting like a total jerk to see if you partner will put up with you and still love you), offering ultimatums, and backing your partner into a corner where they feel they must chose to spend time/energy with you as opposed to your 'competition'. You'll start asking your partner for comparisons between yourself and that 'other guy/girl', like "Does she do this for you?" or "Is he as good as me at such and such a thing". Trust me, the partner in question will not be amused, and if you really push it, you're going to be the one left out in the cold. 

Feelings of greed and competitiveness can be overcome, just like jealousy and insecurity. First of all, try to think outside of the situation. It's not about being 'better' than anyone else. It's not about being loved more or best or anything like that. The fact that your partner loves you and is wants to be with you should speak volumes about their feelings for you. For myself, love is not measurable. Asking me if I love my husband more than I love my boyfriend is like asking me of I love my son more than my daughter. When I love someone, I love whole; I don't know how to love anybody halfway. It's an all or nothing type thing. That being said, every single person in my life is a rare and truly unique human being. I give love to each of them in different ways, and in return they give back to me in their own ways. Each relationship is a separate and beautiful entity. None of them detract from each other; they are all special and important to me. 

Do not dwell on what you think other people are getting that you are not. If you have certain needs, by all means ask for what you want to get those needs met, but do not begrudge other people asking for what they want as well. Everyone deserves love and attention just as much as you do, it is unfair to try and hoard it all too yourself. 

Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer
Nobody's Angel; April 15, 2006 

Comfort zones and competition

I have been learning an awful lot about comfort zones and about the old adage "What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander". I am here to tell you that when it comes to poly, that is NOT a good way of thinking. I've been enjoying a hayday since Jack and I started poly. I've dated quite a number of really fantastic men, a few not-so-fantastic, and generally had a lot of fun. Jack doesn't gripe about it, but I know he gets frustrated with how difficult it has been for him to find suitable women who are interested in dating him. It seems that men are more open to the idea of sharing, or perhaps they are willing to compromise themselves more in an effort to obtain sex. Whatever the reason, they don't mind dating a married woman, but it's a hard-sell for Jack. Most gals in our parts are not interested in dating a married man, no matter how his wife tries to convince them it's okay.

The tides have turned recently, so it seems. He has a bevy of girls interested in him, and just when things were starting to look fantastic for him, I started to freak out. That's right, the beasts of jealousy came to pay me a visit. It was so not pretty. All the while my guts were churning and I wanted to scream and cry and disembowel him, I was also chastising myself for being so ridiculous and unreasonable.

"I should be okay with this" I would admonish myself sternly.

"Nooooooo, I should be enough! Why am I not enough?" I would cry in reply.

"You're being silly. We're poly, we've read all about this, we know how to handle it. Just stop being a spoiled brat and shut up".

"I can't, I don't want to share, I hate this, it's horrible. Why are we doing it?"

"Come on now, get over yourself. We know what we are doing. In fact, we should know better than to throw a tantrum. Jack is okay with things, so we need to be okay too, those are the rules. We need to learn to just swallow that icky feeling and soldier on, because that is how it works".

"But...but...I DON'T WANNA!"

And around and around and around. It's all very exhausting. Jack would say or do something with someone else that wasn't even that threatening (like it's all been Internet talk so far, not even real life) and I would hit the roof, then berate myself for hours, and then feel like crap AND still jealous. Jack was totally unsure what to do. He tries so very hard to be accommodating, but even he has a limit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or why I can't be alright with things. I almost gave up on poly entirely more than once. It would have been so much easier to just call it quits and get on with a monogamous life. I can do monogamy, I've done it before, it wouldn't be the absolute end of the world.

It occurred to me, via some advice from friends, that just because Jack is comfortable with poly working a certain way, that doesn't mean I have to be ok with exactly the same thing. I am not him, it's silly to expect myself to have the same comfort zones as he does. After all, he doesn't expect his to be where mine are. When we first started to explore non-monogamy, he was dead-set against me having feelings for anyone else. I could sleep with half the city if I wanted, as long as I didn't fall in love with anyone. As it turns out, I am in the opposite place. He can love and adore and spoil anyone he likes, just don't have sex with them. These sorts of feelings are connected to our respective insecurities and beliefs around love, relationships, and sex. I don't wish to speak for him, but I think he was afraid of being replaced by someone with more in common, who could meet more of my emotional needs, or something along those lines. The sex was not that threatening, but the emotional connection worried him a great deal.

I on the other hand am very confident that I have nothing to fear from other women when it comes to Jack's emotional needs. I know how he thinks and feels and I am secure in his love for me and in the life we have built. I have a lot of body issues though, and I have relatively poor self-worth. I often see myself as physically hideous, or not good enough as compared to commonly acceptable standards. This is because I am somewhat overweight, and I am sporting a good many stretch marks from my pregnancies. My skin has next to no elasticity. Even my doctor commented that he'd never seen anything like it before. Not the sort of thing that makes a girl feel real good about being naked.

These women, who I sometimes perceive as my 'competition' (I know it's silly) are generally thinner, and more conventionally 'beautiful' than I believe I am. That certainly doesn't help with stirring up all the insecurities and jealous feelings. What if he finds her sexier and stops wanting to be intimate with me? What if he's thinking about her when he is with me? What if she's better/funner/more sexually compatible with him than I am??? Bah, I could drive myself crazy with the questions.

Having finally let go of my idea that we all had to fit ourselves into some sort of poly 'box' I am slowly finding my way. I will develop my own comfort zones and establish what I need to do, and to ask for to make poly workable for me. We all need to find our own methods of dealing with jealousy, insecurity, and whatever other issue might arise. Just remember that even if your significant other(s) is ok with one thing, that does not mean you have to be ok with it also. The greatest beauty in life is our individuality after all.



Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer .

Nobody's Angel; February 01, 2007

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Dealing with jealousy

Like many, Angel stumbled into polyamory quite by accident. She and her husband have been happily married for four years, and recently opened their marriage and their hearts to the possibility of poly relationships. She shares the ups and downs of being new to the lifestyle and navigating the emotional and practical issues that come along with it. 


The other side of jealousy 

You know, after nearly a year and a half, I think I am finally starting to get this whole poly thing. 

It's been slow going. We seemed to have a load of downs at the beginning, then it leveled out and things ran more smoothly, then more issues, and I think we are on an upswing again. I am getting a good taste of what it's like to be on the other side of the equation, watching someone you love fall in love with someone else. Up until quite recently our plural relationship experience had mainly been me dating other males. Now I am 'single' as it were and my husband is swooning with NRE. 

Initially, that was a pretty hard pill to swallow. I fought against it, furiously at some points, and gave up hope completely for a short time. I didn't think I could manage to share him without feeling like my heart was being yanked out through my chest. I wanted so badly to be 'fair'. To be a 'proper' poly person and encourage his feelings, and her feelings and just be pleased as punch with the whole arrangement. The demons of insecurity had other ideas. They were hell bent on dragging me into that dark place, riddled with jealousy and fear, and I was clawing my way to the surface, if only for a brief moment, so I could breath. 

I decided that the best thing to do was to stop struggling and just face them, head on. To acknowledge that I was scared, that I was feeling unworthy and unlovable. To show myself all of the ugly things that I tell myself. The horrible lies that I've come to believe about my life and my relationships. Taking a hard look at each one and telling myself that it was ok to hurt, that it was ok not to be perfect. I stopped guilting myself for not being 'better' at poly, for not feeling the way I thought I should feel. I gave myself a little breathing room, and you know what, I started to come around. It was actually, almost like night and day. I have not completely banished all of the bad thoughts, but I am certainly taking a lot of steps in the right direction, and it feels good. 

I have been telling myself frequently, that on the other side of jealousy, is compersion. Speaking only for myself, I find that when I get past the negative emotions, I fall into compersion so hard, it's almost like having NRE myself. I feel so good, and so happy, and so totally filled with joy for their new relationship, that I wonder if I am normal. I see how happy they make each other, and it makes me smile. I am sharing in the dance that they are doing, and it's quite wonderful. 

In addition to taking care of my personal issues, I also made a point of starting off my own separate friendship with my husbands new interest. I spent eight hours with her very recently and we had the most fabulous time, talking and joking like we had been friends forever. We slipped easily into a familiar comfort zone with each other and now I look forward to seeing her and talking to her almost as much as Jack does. She considers us to be two of her closest friends, and I can certainly say that I feel likewise about her. She looks up to me, to a certain extent, because I am a little older and certainly more wildly experienced. We share a strong mutual respect, and are very considerate of the others feelings, which I am finding essential to my comfort with poly. 

I know that there will be more bumps in the road. Moments where I feel that awful stomach churning stab of jealousy. I know for certain that the negative feelings will flair up and try to cause all sorts of emotional havoc. I also have confidence in myself to handle them in an adult way. I know that my feelings will not only be heard, but acknowledged and respected, and that I will be well cared for during future struggles. 

I do not think I have lost anything in sharing Jack's love with another. In fact, I have gained a new perspective on myself, a new respect for Jack, and a new best friend in this other woman. In giving of ourselves, we receive, and that is one of the best parts of polyamory. 

Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer More

Nobody's Angel; February 15, 2007