THE HEART OF THE MATTER

I want to express to you what this lifestyle means to me.  No, it is not about sex, and it is not about cheap thrills or one night stands.  It is not easy, and it is not all rainbows and unicorns.

This is a lifestyle that takes a lot of work, patience and dedication, it is not for everyone.

Sex is easy, animals can have sex; BDSM is an art.  It is about the essence of a person connecting in the most intimate way with another soul.  It is getting to know each other, and not in the way you think. 

From here on, I am referring to a D/s (Dominant/submissive)  relationship with romantic attachment. Meaning a relationship with your significant other that includes D/s.  There are many kinds of BDSM inclusive relationships, not all have romantic attachment.  Some of these things also repeat in other types of D/s relationships, it all depends on the dynamic.

A Dominant must know what their sub fears the most, what he/she loves the most.  A Dominant should know what makes their sub tick.  What turns the sub on, what motivates the sub, emotionally, and physically.  The Dominant shall get to know the demons that lurk in the dark recesses of their sub’s mind.  He/she should be able to lure those demons out, and help the sub tame them.  The Dominant shall recognize their own and their sub’s strengths, weakness, and deepest “forbidden” desires. 

It takes a lot of love and dedication to see a person for exactly who they are, with all their flaws, demons, weaknesses and admire the beauty within the soul.

It takes a very strong person to submit, to give control to another person, over their body and mind.  This would mean bearing your soul for another to see your true self in its most natural state.  The sub is not a weak person, but a very strong one, to accomplish this, and let go.  A sub shall get to know their Dominant so well, that they can connect in the deepest level. The sub will be able then to strive to please their Dominant and care for them. 

The Dominant shall protect, nurture, love and cherish their sub.  A sub is the most precious possession a person can ever have.  Who can say they own a person, mind, heart, body and soul?  The Dominant is there to guide and teach the sub, not to change the sub, but to bring the sub to grow and blossom under the loving hand of the Dom/me. 

This is a symbiotic relationship, as most should be; both participants give and take.  They both treat each other with utmost respect and love. 

The kinky sex and possible play sessions can be part of a relationship or independently of it.  Everyone builds their own dynamic in a way that feels right for them. I have plenty of documents to explain pain, toys, implements and fetishes.  I just wanted to explain the heart of the matter here.

March 2016

~Sam

Today

Advice

Good stuff!

February 11, 2016 at 12:20 AM

A few years ago, my husband wrote a book.  It was a great book, and we wanted to have it published one day.  He had hired an editor to edit it in pieces, as we could afford it.  At that time, my husband was deployed, and I was sending receiving the chapters, printing and sending to the editor.  

During this time, I e-mailed Anne Rice, yes, Anne Rice!  I think I must have lost my mind.  I sent her a message, asking for her advice on publishing.  I had sent information requests to supposed publishing companies.  Their information was hazy as best.  Too much tiny print and too many pages of things to read and understand.  Bottom line, they all wanted money, a lot of it.  They had promises of fame and fortune, but I was skeptical.

I received an e-mail response from Anne Rice, not too long after I sent it.  I was blown away, to say the least.  She has been my hero since I was 19.  I started reading her books back then, and she had me since the first book.  She is magical!

Her advice surprised me, she said that what I had in mind was correct.  I was leaning towards self publishing through Blurb.  I had found out that the priest who gave me up for adoption had passed, while looking for him online in 2001.  I found out someone wrote a book about him, a picture book.  it was published through Blurb, that is how I discovered Blurb.

Anne Rice said that times are changing, and this is the way to go.  That publishers are very picky, and for a new author it is very difficult to get accepted.  She added that, most publishers we find online that do want us newbies, they want money.  They want us to pay to print many copies of the book, that we ultimately have to sell ourselves.  

And what about the promises of fame and fortune, of  success?  Well, the publishers will print the book, but we authors have to do our own leg work.  We still have to promote, and network, and promote some more.

Besides all that advice, I also learned through her words.  I wrote to her later on to tell her that we had self published my husband's book, and thank you for her advice.  I had other small communications with her.  She encouraged me to write.  When I doubted myself, she made me understand that, I may not be the best, I may not be the worst.  I shall not compare myself to other writers, i am me, I am unique.  I should go ahead and write what I wish without fear or doubt.   Just go forward, and write what I feel like writing.

I have done just that, and somehow, I was able to finish two novels with the help of my Daniel, and the encouragement of my husband.  I have just touched our books on Sunday for the first time.  it feels incredible!

I wrote a comment to Anne Rice today, and shortly after, I had a response.  I am touched and grateful.  She is a kind sweet soul.  I want to offer any other new authors that would like me to tell them how I did it, I can guide them, show them how I did it.  I want to help others how Anne helped me.  I can only pass on the knowledge I have, it is little, but it may help someone.

~Sam

Understanding BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism/Masochism)

I am writing this for the curious about BDSM.  I could go over acronyms and which role better suits you.   BDSM is a lifestyle that can be adapted to anyone.  We all have different lives and different relationships; and the BDSM lifestyle can be modified to fit.

First, I will tell you the basic personality types. 

A Dominant type is the kind of person who likes to take the lead.  Always leads by example, and is usually outgoing and likes to take care of others.

A submissive type is the kind of personality in which a person loves to be of service to others.  This type of person likes someone else to take the lead, they are happy following.  Sometimes they need to be told what to do to gain direction.

BDSM is a power exchange based on trust.  Meaning that the person who takes the role as submissive would give control to the Dominant.  Of course, there is much more to this as well; these are just the bare basics.

There are people who in their daily lives have to be in control at home and or at work; but there are times in which they desire to relinquish control to another and take a break.  Not everyone who has a dominant personality takes on the role as a Dominant in BDSM. 

There are people who are submissive all day in their lives and are shy, but they would love to take control for just a while, doing something they feel safe doing and empowering themselves.

Besides those two roles, there is also a third one: a switch.  This person is one who is flexible and can take on either role. 

So which role fits you the best?  Are you the type to take on responsibility? Are you the type to lead and others follow?  How do you feel about doing that in the bedroom as well?

Are you the type who would like to take orders and be happy fulfilling them?  Are you the type who has the urge to please others?  How about in the bedroom?

Once you find out where you fit, then you know you have taken the first step.  Next step is talking to your significant other about what is it that you are curious about.   Maybe you do not have a significant other, if you don’t have one yet, I suggest you start researching this topic and read about what interests you the most.  It could just happen to be you have a silk sheets fetish, or a curiosity to experience the touch of a violet want.  You never know!

Pain can be a part of BDSM, it is up to the participants, and every dynamic is different.  You may be a masochist, or a sadist, both, or neither.  I think this is the most fun ingredient, along with bondage; but every case will be different and very personal.  You may want a light spanking for fun, or you may want to bite your partner when you get excited.  I suspect many people get bites and scratches during sex, it may be something you enjoy. 

How to bring the subject up?  You are one who knows best how to gauge the situation.  Maybe bringing up the subject gently at the right time, just introducing it.  Maybe going all out and leaving 50 shades on the table while you go to the bathroom, and letting your partner see it.  You are the one who will know which approach is best, everyone is different.

Now, if you would like your spouse to join you in learning about BDSM, be gentle.  You cannot force someone to like this; they may look into it and say, “no thanks”.  I hope to God that is not a reason to dump your partner and run off looking for a fantasy.  There are ways to integrate small bits of this in your life without causing upset; you just need to be creative and think of your partner’s wishes as well.  I will later share an article on negotiation.  I f you need it sooner, please ask.

I must clarify, that sex may or may not be a part of the BDSM dynamic, it is up to the individuals.  Sex can be part of it, but must not be the only part of it.  Anyone can have sex, animals can mate, BDSM is an art.  Sex is not the focus of BDSM. 

I highly suggest being open and honest about your preferences, dislikes, and curiosities.  Talk it out, make sure that whatever experimentation happens, that is Safe, Sane and Consensual at all times.  Your life is precious, please stay safe. 

And now I get serious.  The most important part of BDSM in my opinion is safety.  We all want to have fun; we all want to experience this awesome bondage thing we have been hearing about.  Fun is great, but we want to live to do it again, right?  We will also need to survive it with all body parts attached and all internal organs intact.  Pain is only fun when it is done in a safe and calculated manner.

What we absolutely need to start out, is common sense, (and sobriety) while participating in BDSM.  Build that on a good relationship (doesn’t have to be a romantic one), and a very strong foundation of trust.  If there is not trust, don’t do it. Remember, you are handing over control of your body mind and soul to another person, to some extent, and for an agreed period of time. 

BDSM is not a game, and people are not toys.  I have seen it one too many times; men who pretend to be a Dom, to take advantage of an unsuspecting sub.  They use BDSM as a way to get laid and that is it.  They sometimes use and dump people and have no regards for them.  That is just the small stuff, trusting a stranger to tie you up and use weapons on you is not smart, use common sense!  I have also seen women string along the men and sweet talk them telling them they are a new sub, and have no idea how this works, please teach the helpless scared little girl.  They play the men either for attention or for money.  I know, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it right.

I also have seen many people that want an instant D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship.  They want to just have it magically appear.  How many times have we seen it on Facebook “I want a Dom, and I want one now!”  I can almost see the women stomping their little feet and whining about it not being fair.  They see someone who resembles a Dom, has the lines down pat, and they throw themselves at him.

Sadly, a few weeks later, you see them back on Facebook, hurt, sad, broken.  Sometimes the “dating” (sexy fun) lasts a few months, most times it doesn’t.  As I said, this can be done as a type of business arrangement with someone you trust, even someone you may be paying for their services.  There are professional Dominants who will accommodate you.  If you go this route, it is good to ask for references, or reviews before jumping in.  Just as you would if you are taking your child to a therapist; you check to make sure they are reputable and safe.

If you choose to go the romantic way, the key is that a D/s relationship is no different than regular dating.  You should in fact build a regular relationship before jumping into D/s.  If you want a good relationship that lasts, you should first get to know each other, see if you are compatible.  And yes, some old fashioned courting should be part of it.  Once you have established a good relationship, then you could move on to add D/s.

This takes work, and it takes time.  Things that last, and are real, are worth the time and effort invested in it.

In this day and age, people want immediate satisfaction.  So we have fast food, fast internet, fast everything.  Let’s not lower out standards by having our D/s be the same.  Fast, fun, and then gone like a shooting star.

When you plant a tree, you take the time to pick the seed you want; you plant the seed, raise and nurture it until it becomes a strong tree.  Yes it takes time and effort, but in the end, you have a good tree, that has grown strong roots and lasts for many years.  If you instead shortcut, go get a half grown tree that was somebody else’s and stick it in your front yard, chances are the first strong wind will take it down.  Chances are, it could be infested and you just brought an infestation to your home.  Chances are it was dying inside, and you had no idea.  It was a cheap and fast way to get a tree, but now you regret it, because it didn’t last.  (just an example)

I am not saying all relationships built fast won’t last.  I am just saying that you are dealing with other people; treat them as such, get to know them.  Women in the Personals Classifieds are not a piece of meat!  Men in the Classifieds are not a source of free income, gifts and attention.  We are all people, even if we are online, treat each other with respect, and use common sense.  Seems with the internet age we want things now, and many people cannot distinguish the fantasy of Facebook and the reality of people’s lives clearly.  Don’t get frustrated seeing your friends’ “perfect” lives.  They only tell you the good parts, and embellish them to make it sound amazing.  Relationships take work and they are not perfect; be patient.

Even if you are not in search for a partner, it is good to slow down and smell the roses. 

~Sam Marie

P.S.  Men are not always Dominant, and women are not always submissive, please keep that in mind.  Despite some of the pictures I post, it is not always the case. (Assumptions in this case are my pet peeve)

About the books

I wanted to talk a little about my writing..
The way this all started was as short stories written in blog form.  It was a kind of half task, half game I started with my Daniel.  I would start writing a piece, and send him a message.  he would go into the blog and continue the story, wrote his part and took us wherever he felt the story would go.  It was like dancing, and it was wonderful.  The stories read like a his and hers journal.

One day, he told me about NaNoWriMo.  I was excited and planned to write a novel in the month of November.  I used one piece from one of our short stories as a "seed" to write a novel around it.
After I was done with the novel, I inserted some of Daniel's writing, because I think it has so much passion in it.

The novels I wrote are not classified as erotica; they are not all sex scenes or BDSM scenes.  They have a story that you follow.  They do not qualify strictly as romance, because apparently romance has certain guidelines to follow.  The people int he novels must be beautiful, affluent, problem free.  They must meet casually, and then you are supposed to build the tension.  They finally get together towards the last third part of the book or so, and have a happily ever after ending.

I hate cookie cutter novels, it is my personal taste.  No offense, but I rather be taken on a ride where I encounter the unexpected.  I wrote as I would like to read.  I wanted to take the reader, and put him/her in the protagonist's shoes.  i want the reader to feel what the protagonist feels.  I want them to feel joy, pain, passion; I want them to feel alive!

Audience

I want to say something before I start posting.  In my posts, I will talk about some of my writing process.  I want to discuss different aspects, and just express myself.  I will also be sharing articles I wrote, and possibly include other information I find online that I might consider important.  These articles and information cover a lot of ground.

Some are for people who are curious and just starting out learning about BDSM.  Other articles are more advanced, geared for people in the lifestyle who want to learn more, or research certain topics.
I will tell you that I don't think I know everything.  I will never say that!  I have learned a lot and I will share what I learned.  if I do not know something, I research it.  Some of the things I discuss I have tried out, and others I have not; I will tell you when it is something I have not experienced myself.

I am a Dominant, but, I have tried the toy and implements before using them on my sub.  I am not oblivious.  I believe that is the right thing to do, and it also helps me gauge how to work with different implements.  It is my opinion that it is also not fair to the sub to use a paddle on him I have never tried, and cause him pain without knowing how it feels.

Having said that, I am glad you are here, and wanting to know more and learn more.
~Sam

Introduction

Please be patient.  I had to restructure because I am technologically impaired.
I thought that after writing so much, I was done.  No I was wrong!
After writing, and compiling, I had to edit several times, and then put the books together.
Once they were together, upload and publish.
It took so long for me to get to where I am today, and I am just starting to find out that I have to also work through a maze of web sites, pages and blogs to get people to see my books.
So, thank you for being here!

I will talk more about the books, my reasoning and my goals later on today.  Please be patient.

~Sam