SOMETHING NOBODY WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

As a Dom/me your purpose is to lead. My favorite part of being a Domme is that you are there to help guide your sub and help them grow. It doesn’t mean that you want to changed them, you just want to bring out the best in them. You take cues from them as to what their needs are.

As a Dom/me, you feed on the need to be needed, so you keep a sub under you, in more ways than one. They do as you say, they follow you without question and trust your judgment. That is how it should be.

My first point I want to discuss is dependence. Does your sub end up depending on your guidance for everything? It feels great to have them need you for everything, to ask permission for different things. It is great to see them flourish and thrive under you. But what happens if for some reason the relationship fails? Will they be able to continue on without you? What happens if you end up with a serious illness, where your sub ends up being the one taking care of you? Is your sub ready to take charge when needed? What happens if you happen to pass away? Will your sub survive being without your guidance, and constant direction? Without your protection and care? This is more important when you are the one supporting the sub, and said sub doesn’t work outside the home. Will they have the skills necessary to take charge of the finances? Of their life?

It is a good idea to ponder all this and make plans. I met a Dom some time back, his sub was totally dependent on him for everything. He made sure his sub was protected. He married his sub, and prepared some legal documents. Those documents specified a person who would be designated as the sub’s caretaker in case of the Dom’s death. The life insurance would cover the finances, and the backup person would cover the rest. Not everyone can do all this, but it is good to think about it and be prepared. Make sure when you train your sub, you balance the control, so you don’t do them a dis-service by making them totally dependent on you.

And now for the other side of the coin. (kind of) When a sub has issues with standing on their own, and you train them accordingly; are you prepared for the sub to “outgrow “ you? It hurts to see that they don’t need you like they used to. People change, and when you help a sub grow and be strong, and they do, you’ve done a good job. But what now? You just lost your sub? No, you gained a person whom you love deeply, and have an incredible connection with. People change and grow; that is a wonderful thing. When a sub blossoms into themselves and stands beautifully, appreciate the beauty instead of dwelling on what you lost. Life is not about us, but about what we can do for others. You still have the sub’s love and devotion, but you should be able to adjust to life changes. We are all work in progress, and life is full of evolution and change.

Life brings us so many changes and surprises, we all must be able to adjust accordingly. The love, respect, trust and devotion to one another should never change.


~Sam

Odds and ends

I stumbled upon a very interesting article.  I found I have many issues with this as a whole.   In the way that many men want and want and want, and are not ready to try giving.  So they take what they want, and they are done and gone.  So..  if she is worth it, read up.  Keeping a woman happy during sex, even if it is casual, should be something to take pride on.

How to you please your woman orally?

When Theory Meets Practice

Today I’m here to offer the very trite and clichéd advice “never say never.” I’ve recently discovered that if one says “never”, then Murphy ’s Law will sooner or later make “never” into an eventuality. Perhaps I should start at the beginning… 

I’m a member of a polyfidelitous female, male, female triad. We used to be a female, male, female, male quad. Wife has been known to date from time to time, and we’re all okay with that. We’ve been together nigh on five years now, and we’re functioning quite well as a family. This means that I know how to live as a poly person, right? Well, maybe not. Quite technically, I’ve been living monogamously in a polyamorous relationship. Hubby is our hinge, and I’m only sexually involved with him. I do not date. I’ve never wanted to date. Until now. 

It’s not like I didn’t realize the fact that I was living as a monogamous person in a poly relationship. I just never thought much of it, so it’s not like it was something always in the forefront of my mind. It was just a fact; I assumed it would always be a fact, so I never bothered to process what would happen if I eventually decided I didn’t want it to be that way. I am only in a poly relationship because when I found the love of my life, he happened to be married to my best friend. It’s not something that I actively pursued; it’s something that just happened. I’m pretty laid back and very open-minded, so the lifestyle suits me well. I entered into this relationship in order to be with the man I love. I had no desire to take it beyond that point or to involve any other people on my end of the equation. Until I did. 

So, theoretically, I am a poly person. In practice, as yet, I am not. I don’t suppose I thought it would ever matter, because I was one of those people who said “never,” and because I said never, when I met someone that I actually did want to date, I wasn’t really sure what to do with that. We’d never discussed what would happen if I wanted to date, because when the subject came up, oh so long ago, I said, “That will never happen. I’m not looking for anyone else. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are.” Hubby stated that two women were plenty, and he didn’t want to date either. Wife was the only one who expressed interest in having relationships outside of our family, so we talked about that, we processed that, and when it happened, we all knew what to do and how to act. There’s a very important lesson there; she, along with us, her family, processed what would happen before it happened. This made everything infinitely easier to deal with for everyone, including her. 

When I came across a person that I wanted to get to know much better, I was completely flabbergasted. I kept asking myself, “How exactly did this happen? I said never.” So all of the sudden, I was not only dealing with a rather profound mental-emotional attraction, I was also in the midst of processing just exactly what I was supposed to do about that. I had no clue what my next move should be, because I hadn’t bothered to think about it before it actually happened. One would think that someone in a poly relationship would know what to do/how to act when s/he meets someone with whom s/he’d like to develop a relationship. This is why it’s very beneficial to consider these things beforehand. 

Of course, I’m not the only one this affects; it has an impact on my entire family. This morning I had the following conversation with my Hubby. 

Anna: “I think I would like to date.” 

Hubby: “Are you serious? Who? Why? Are you mad at me?” 

Anna: “Yeah I’m serious. It’s not someone you know. Because I’m attracted to him on several different levels, and why on earth would you think I’m mad at you?” 

Hubby: “Well, you’ve done some irrational things before when you were mad at me.” 

Anna: “Are you saying that me wanting to date is irrational?” 

Hubby: “Yes. No. Well, maybe. Listen Anna, it’s just that you don’t always make the best decisions, and besides, you said that you didn’t want to date anyone else.” 

Anna: “I know I said that. That was almost five years ago, and I meant it when I said it. I wasn’t looking for anyone else. I didn’t go out and try to find anyone else. It just happened. I met this person. I talked to this person. It never occurred to me to get involved with this person. The more we talked, the more I felt feelings developing. I’d just like to see where they go, and I plan on going very slowly.” 

Hubby: “What if I’m not comfortable with you dating?” 

Ummm, I had no idea how to address that question. I was completely at a loss for an answer. What if he’s not comfortable with me dating? Well, what if he’s not? He does have two wives after all. That’s how I answered the question, actually. 

Anna: “Why wouldn’t you be comfortable? You’ve got two wives after all.” 

Hubby: (after a prolonged silence) “I know I do, and I’m okay with Wife dating, but I’m not sure how I feel about you dating, because we’ve never really talked about it. I didn’t think it would happen.” 

The conversation continued along those lines for quite some time. We did talk about it. We talked about it a lot, and then we talked about it some more. I’m still not sure how comfortable he is with the idea; though, he’s certainly more comfortable than when I first brought it up. It turns out that he has some insecurities that I never would have imagined in him. I had no idea, because we had never discussed it before. We never discussed it before, because I said never. I was kind of hurt and kind of pissed when he informed me that he was totally okay with Wife dating, but not me. The more I think about it though, the more strange sense it makes. He, and we as a family, addressed this with Wife a long time ago. She didn’t say never. She said “maybe;” she said “what if;” we all processed it and talked about it. It was out there, and we all knew that eventually it would happen, so when it did, it was a much easier thing with which to deal. 

Hubby and I have a lot more talking to do, and we will do it. The fact is, however, that we should have done it a long time ago That brings me full circle back to my original advice. Never say never. It will come back around to bite you if you do. It’s better to say, “Not freaking likely, but just in case I ever change my mind, let’s talk about it now. Let’s talk about what to do and how to act and what the ‘rules’ are.” This allows everyone some breathing room. It allows one to enjoy the ride. It makes it straight in your own head just what to do if/when you start developing feelings for someone outside of your family. It makes it possible to fulfill your needs without stepping over anyone else’s boundaries. Most importantly, it makes it possible to have a good time when theory meets practice. 

PolyAnna; February 02, 2006

The Big Green Monster

It's an ugly, mold-covered piece of unidentifiable foodstuff tucked away in the back of the refrigerator. It's the fang-toothed, wretched, product of our imagination boogie man tucked away in the back of the closet, waiting patiently to lash out at us as soon as we open the door. It's the rabid, wild, and totally unpredictable caged beast waiting calculatingly for us to make a mistake and inadvertently release it from it's bonds. It lashes out at you when you're the least prepared. Sometimes it causes nothing more than "love taps", while at other times it can cause deep, bloody wounds that will fester and become infected if left to their own devices. At times no amount of preventive medecine can cure it, while at other times it does nothing but cause you minor irritation. It is Jealousy.

When I first designed this community back in May, 2005, I did a piece about jealousy under the Emotional Issues section. I never second guessed what I had written until just recently. While in the process of conducting the interview with Cunning Minx of Polyamory Weekly, my own definition of jealousy suddenly became questionable to me. When asked her opinion of jealousy, she responded in part with:

"I don't believe that there is this one emotion called "jealousy", either. Jealousy tends to be an insecurity or fear within us that is ignited by a certain situation. And it's important to recognize that the insecurity is within us; while the situation might shine a light on the insecurity, it is something internal that needs to be dealt with as such."

This is the part that got me to thinking. Is it possible that jealousy is not an emotion all its own, but more a reaction caused by some other catalyst? I decided to talk to the family about it, and as one could expect received mixed responses.

The wife feels that jealousy is as much an emotion as fear, anger, hatred, etc. In her opinion, jealousy is an emotion because one feels it. If it can be felt, inside us, like the others mentioned above, then it's an emotion....right? Her base definition is that jealousy is caused by our inability (or desire?) to get something we want. If you see someone driving a brand new, flashy red convertible, you want one. This makes you feel jealous, but what causes that feeling? Is it because you want that car, but for whatever reason (financial, practical) you aren't in a position to get it? Or is what you're feeling actually envy over what that other person has?

When I talked to Kriek about it, he had a completely different take on jealousy. He feels that it is caused by a sense of selfishness, almost a side effect of self-preservation that causes us to instinctively seek to get something we feel we're being deprived of. While these two opinions are different, are they necessarily wrong in their definitions? I wasn't sure, so I did a little digging (with Kriek's help) into other perceived definitions of Jealousy.

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, has this to say about jealousy vs. envy:

"Some authorities distinguish between jealousy and envy on the ground that jealousy involves the wish to keep what one has, and envy the wish to get what one does not have."

This, for me, was a very good distinction between the two. One of the reasons I like these definitions so much is that Wikipedia is a collaboration of many voices. A consensus that tends to become more solidified as time goes on. The other reason I like this distinction is that it makes sense. I've always considered jealousy an emotion all it's own. Until now. The more I think about it, the more I tend to lean towards jealousy being a chemical reaction in our brains, caused by some other catalyst causing synapses to fire off at random. Jealousy, all on its own, doesn't have much power over us. Throw in some fear, insecurity, greed, what have you, and suddenly it grows claws that start burrowing into your brain. Once it takes hold, it can take a miraculous act of will to shake it loose. Trying to ignore feelings of jealousy would be like trying to run a marathon wearing cement shoes. You might do okay in the beginning, but it won't get you very far and you certainly won't overcome this obstacle and win the race. Neither will you win by slowly chipping away the pieces of jealousy, trying to free yourself from it over time. You need to simply pick up the sledgehammer and smash it away once and for all.

This isn't to say that it's entirely unhealthy to feel jealousy, as only you can decide what your body, mind, and soul need for nourishment in order to survive. At the same time, only you can determine what is unhealthy and therefore detrimental to your own health and well-being. While I know that it is true that some folks thrive under conditions that others find unbearable, that isn't my focus here. I'm merely hoping to establish the fact that one person's definition or perception of a particular word / emotion is not always the same as anothers. I've seen a lot of references to "this issue" or "that issue" as it pertains to a polyamorous lifestyle, but the fact of the matter is that we don't feel emotions any different than anyone else does. We have no "secret formula" for processing emotions, nor do we have access to any ancient oracle that makes us any less vulnerable to the emotional or physical hurdles that life tosses in front of us. If anything, our hurdles are magnified by the fact that we are living with not just one partner, but many.

If you think that life in a purely monogamous relationship has a tendency to send you into an emotional roller coaster, multiply that by two, three, four, or sometimes many more to fully understand the potential toll that a polyamorous lifestyle could inflict on a person.

To further try and explain my logic, I'll use the concept of lust. To me, lust is a purely chemical concept, driven entiirely by one's libido. Lust is not emotion, since it isn't usually influenced by anything other than sexual desire. Now, if lust progresses beyond the sexual desire, it can mature into love, or at the very least a crush of some sort. At this point it transforms itself into an emotion. Jealousy is somewhat similar, but almost in reverse. As I said, something generally happens to trigger feelings of jealousy. If you get angry, sad, or depressed because your significant other went out for the night without giving much of an explanation; a seed of jealousy can be planted. When your SO doesn't come home until the wee hours of the morning, the seed suddenly gets watered with even more jealousy.

How many times have you woke up in the morning feeling tired, cranky, sad, happy, excited, or what have you? I'm pretty sure that you wake up with at least one of these feelings every so often. Now, try to think back to a time when you woke up feeling jealous. Generally this doesn't happen without the catalyst mentioned earlier. Something has to exist to have triggered these feelings, a seed must have been planted in your subconscious somewhere along the lines in order for this to happen.

You may very well have your own thoughts on whether jealousy is or isn't an emotion all its own. I'm not here to try and redefine your emotional make-ups and definitions for you, I'm just here to give you something to think about. Now where did I leave that sledgehammer?

~ Chias, October 27, 2005

Instinctual Greed

In my opinion human beings are competitive creatures by nature. Since the beginning of (our) time it has been necessary for people to compete against each other for food, mates, and territory. When you feel threatened, the most natural reaction is to defend what is yours. Weather it be your material possessions or, in the case of this article, the love of your partner. 

I have a theory when it comes to jealousy, insecurity, and what have you. When we have something that other people want, most of us instinctively don't want to share. I may sound cynical, but I think that humans are fundamentally greedy. I believe that greed was an important characteristic for survival when our species was young. If you didn't fight for food, a place to live, and someone to procreate with, you wouldn't last long as a cave person. You had to gather all the resources you could, which spawned our more modern-day desire to amass all the wealth and material possessions we can, even though in this day and age it is not a life or death situation. 

Sometimes in poly relationships, one or more of the individuals involved feel the need to compete with other individuals for the attention of their mutual partner. Yes, human beings have evolved over time, our brains have become more complex, and we are capable of advanced thought patterns. While it is true that we can now control our instincts and emotions, and examine our feelings in an objective way, sometimes 'old habits die hard' so to speak. Our greed kicks into play and we puff out our chests and strut around like a peacock thinking, "look at me, I'm the best mate, you should love ME the most!" 

I believe that instinctual greed plays a large part in jealousy. You don't want to share something that you see as rightfully yours, and so you start feeling threatened and angry and jealous. To compound the problem, some part of you brain decides that the best way to deal with the situation is to prove that you are the biggest and best lover/mate/partner/etc. If you can just show the partner in question that YOU are the greatest, well, problem solved and all the yucky feelings will go away. 

This whole thought process leads to 'testing' your relationship (acting like a total jerk to see if you partner will put up with you and still love you), offering ultimatums, and backing your partner into a corner where they feel they must chose to spend time/energy with you as opposed to your 'competition'. You'll start asking your partner for comparisons between yourself and that 'other guy/girl', like "Does she do this for you?" or "Is he as good as me at such and such a thing". Trust me, the partner in question will not be amused, and if you really push it, you're going to be the one left out in the cold. 

Feelings of greed and competitiveness can be overcome, just like jealousy and insecurity. First of all, try to think outside of the situation. It's not about being 'better' than anyone else. It's not about being loved more or best or anything like that. The fact that your partner loves you and is wants to be with you should speak volumes about their feelings for you. For myself, love is not measurable. Asking me if I love my husband more than I love my boyfriend is like asking me of I love my son more than my daughter. When I love someone, I love whole; I don't know how to love anybody halfway. It's an all or nothing type thing. That being said, every single person in my life is a rare and truly unique human being. I give love to each of them in different ways, and in return they give back to me in their own ways. Each relationship is a separate and beautiful entity. None of them detract from each other; they are all special and important to me. 

Do not dwell on what you think other people are getting that you are not. If you have certain needs, by all means ask for what you want to get those needs met, but do not begrudge other people asking for what they want as well. Everyone deserves love and attention just as much as you do, it is unfair to try and hoard it all too yourself. 

Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer
Nobody's Angel; April 15, 2006 

Comfort zones and competition

I have been learning an awful lot about comfort zones and about the old adage "What's Good For The Goose Is Good For The Gander". I am here to tell you that when it comes to poly, that is NOT a good way of thinking. I've been enjoying a hayday since Jack and I started poly. I've dated quite a number of really fantastic men, a few not-so-fantastic, and generally had a lot of fun. Jack doesn't gripe about it, but I know he gets frustrated with how difficult it has been for him to find suitable women who are interested in dating him. It seems that men are more open to the idea of sharing, or perhaps they are willing to compromise themselves more in an effort to obtain sex. Whatever the reason, they don't mind dating a married woman, but it's a hard-sell for Jack. Most gals in our parts are not interested in dating a married man, no matter how his wife tries to convince them it's okay.

The tides have turned recently, so it seems. He has a bevy of girls interested in him, and just when things were starting to look fantastic for him, I started to freak out. That's right, the beasts of jealousy came to pay me a visit. It was so not pretty. All the while my guts were churning and I wanted to scream and cry and disembowel him, I was also chastising myself for being so ridiculous and unreasonable.

"I should be okay with this" I would admonish myself sternly.

"Nooooooo, I should be enough! Why am I not enough?" I would cry in reply.

"You're being silly. We're poly, we've read all about this, we know how to handle it. Just stop being a spoiled brat and shut up".

"I can't, I don't want to share, I hate this, it's horrible. Why are we doing it?"

"Come on now, get over yourself. We know what we are doing. In fact, we should know better than to throw a tantrum. Jack is okay with things, so we need to be okay too, those are the rules. We need to learn to just swallow that icky feeling and soldier on, because that is how it works".

"But...but...I DON'T WANNA!"

And around and around and around. It's all very exhausting. Jack would say or do something with someone else that wasn't even that threatening (like it's all been Internet talk so far, not even real life) and I would hit the roof, then berate myself for hours, and then feel like crap AND still jealous. Jack was totally unsure what to do. He tries so very hard to be accommodating, but even he has a limit. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or why I can't be alright with things. I almost gave up on poly entirely more than once. It would have been so much easier to just call it quits and get on with a monogamous life. I can do monogamy, I've done it before, it wouldn't be the absolute end of the world.

It occurred to me, via some advice from friends, that just because Jack is comfortable with poly working a certain way, that doesn't mean I have to be ok with exactly the same thing. I am not him, it's silly to expect myself to have the same comfort zones as he does. After all, he doesn't expect his to be where mine are. When we first started to explore non-monogamy, he was dead-set against me having feelings for anyone else. I could sleep with half the city if I wanted, as long as I didn't fall in love with anyone. As it turns out, I am in the opposite place. He can love and adore and spoil anyone he likes, just don't have sex with them. These sorts of feelings are connected to our respective insecurities and beliefs around love, relationships, and sex. I don't wish to speak for him, but I think he was afraid of being replaced by someone with more in common, who could meet more of my emotional needs, or something along those lines. The sex was not that threatening, but the emotional connection worried him a great deal.

I on the other hand am very confident that I have nothing to fear from other women when it comes to Jack's emotional needs. I know how he thinks and feels and I am secure in his love for me and in the life we have built. I have a lot of body issues though, and I have relatively poor self-worth. I often see myself as physically hideous, or not good enough as compared to commonly acceptable standards. This is because I am somewhat overweight, and I am sporting a good many stretch marks from my pregnancies. My skin has next to no elasticity. Even my doctor commented that he'd never seen anything like it before. Not the sort of thing that makes a girl feel real good about being naked.

These women, who I sometimes perceive as my 'competition' (I know it's silly) are generally thinner, and more conventionally 'beautiful' than I believe I am. That certainly doesn't help with stirring up all the insecurities and jealous feelings. What if he finds her sexier and stops wanting to be intimate with me? What if he's thinking about her when he is with me? What if she's better/funner/more sexually compatible with him than I am??? Bah, I could drive myself crazy with the questions.

Having finally let go of my idea that we all had to fit ourselves into some sort of poly 'box' I am slowly finding my way. I will develop my own comfort zones and establish what I need to do, and to ask for to make poly workable for me. We all need to find our own methods of dealing with jealousy, insecurity, and whatever other issue might arise. Just remember that even if your significant other(s) is ok with one thing, that does not mean you have to be ok with it also. The greatest beauty in life is our individuality after all.



Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer .

Nobody's Angel; February 01, 2007

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Dealing with jealousy

Like many, Angel stumbled into polyamory quite by accident. She and her husband have been happily married for four years, and recently opened their marriage and their hearts to the possibility of poly relationships. She shares the ups and downs of being new to the lifestyle and navigating the emotional and practical issues that come along with it. 


The other side of jealousy 

You know, after nearly a year and a half, I think I am finally starting to get this whole poly thing. 

It's been slow going. We seemed to have a load of downs at the beginning, then it leveled out and things ran more smoothly, then more issues, and I think we are on an upswing again. I am getting a good taste of what it's like to be on the other side of the equation, watching someone you love fall in love with someone else. Up until quite recently our plural relationship experience had mainly been me dating other males. Now I am 'single' as it were and my husband is swooning with NRE. 

Initially, that was a pretty hard pill to swallow. I fought against it, furiously at some points, and gave up hope completely for a short time. I didn't think I could manage to share him without feeling like my heart was being yanked out through my chest. I wanted so badly to be 'fair'. To be a 'proper' poly person and encourage his feelings, and her feelings and just be pleased as punch with the whole arrangement. The demons of insecurity had other ideas. They were hell bent on dragging me into that dark place, riddled with jealousy and fear, and I was clawing my way to the surface, if only for a brief moment, so I could breath. 

I decided that the best thing to do was to stop struggling and just face them, head on. To acknowledge that I was scared, that I was feeling unworthy and unlovable. To show myself all of the ugly things that I tell myself. The horrible lies that I've come to believe about my life and my relationships. Taking a hard look at each one and telling myself that it was ok to hurt, that it was ok not to be perfect. I stopped guilting myself for not being 'better' at poly, for not feeling the way I thought I should feel. I gave myself a little breathing room, and you know what, I started to come around. It was actually, almost like night and day. I have not completely banished all of the bad thoughts, but I am certainly taking a lot of steps in the right direction, and it feels good. 

I have been telling myself frequently, that on the other side of jealousy, is compersion. Speaking only for myself, I find that when I get past the negative emotions, I fall into compersion so hard, it's almost like having NRE myself. I feel so good, and so happy, and so totally filled with joy for their new relationship, that I wonder if I am normal. I see how happy they make each other, and it makes me smile. I am sharing in the dance that they are doing, and it's quite wonderful. 

In addition to taking care of my personal issues, I also made a point of starting off my own separate friendship with my husbands new interest. I spent eight hours with her very recently and we had the most fabulous time, talking and joking like we had been friends forever. We slipped easily into a familiar comfort zone with each other and now I look forward to seeing her and talking to her almost as much as Jack does. She considers us to be two of her closest friends, and I can certainly say that I feel likewise about her. She looks up to me, to a certain extent, because I am a little older and certainly more wildly experienced. We share a strong mutual respect, and are very considerate of the others feelings, which I am finding essential to my comfort with poly. 

I know that there will be more bumps in the road. Moments where I feel that awful stomach churning stab of jealousy. I know for certain that the negative feelings will flair up and try to cause all sorts of emotional havoc. I also have confidence in myself to handle them in an adult way. I know that my feelings will not only be heard, but acknowledged and respected, and that I will be well cared for during future struggles. 

I do not think I have lost anything in sharing Jack's love with another. In fact, I have gained a new perspective on myself, a new respect for Jack, and a new best friend in this other woman. In giving of ourselves, we receive, and that is one of the best parts of polyamory. 

Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer More

Nobody's Angel; February 15, 2007 

Dealing with jealousy

Step One - Acknowledge The Feelings

"I feel jealous and insecure".

Say it out loud. Own those feelings verbally.

Step Two - What Does It Mean?

If Jack kisses another woman then:

I feel threatened. I feel that Jack is doing something with her that I wish he would do more of with me. Jack and I 'peck' all the time, but we generally don't spend a lot of time making out. When he does this with someone else, I feel less special and less desirable. I fear he would rather make out with someone else than me.

If Jack is sexually intimate with another woman then:

I become uncomfortable, because I am afraid that he will find her more physically attractive than me, and that he will prefer being with her over me. I wonder if she will be more sexually satisfying than I am, or have better technique. I fear not being good enough.

If Jack has sex with another woman then:

He may not want to have sex with me as often. He may want to spend more quality time with her than he does with me. I am afraid that he will find her prettier/sexier/more attractive. I fear being less desirable. I fear being ignored and neglected.

Step Three - Uncovering The Fear

Do I believe that Jack is with me because of how I look?

No. Jack is not a shallow or superficial. I know that he loves me because of the person I am and the wonderful qualities I bring to our relationship. I would not be with him if I felt he only loved me for my looks.

Do I believe that Jack is with me because of what I offer him in bed?

No. While sex is a vital and important part of our marriage, it is not the be-all/end-all. The frequency/intensity/length ebbs and flows, as is normal in relationships. During times when our sex is less frequent, I do not feel that he loves me any less than when we are having more sex.

Do I think that if Jack finds a partner who is prettier or thinner, that will make our relationship less special? 

To be totally honest with myself, no. Jack admires other women, he watches porn, and flirts. There are women out there who are certainly thinner than I. There are also women who are prettier. Him looking at them and finding them attractive does not mean that he then looks at me and finds me ugly. We have been together for almost 7 years, if that was going to happen, it would have occurred LONG ago. When I look at a particularly attractive man, it does not make my love and affection for Jack any less real or special.

Is it possible that Jack is with me for reasons besides how I look? 

Absolutely. What are those reasons? 

I am a fun, dynamic, and interesting person. Jack is more of an introvert, while I am an extrovert, and he adores how I draw him out of himself. I am very supportive of him, I encourage him, and I rub his back when he wakes up in the morning, which he loves. I take care of our home and our children. I do his laundry. I am strong for him when he needs me to be his rock. I love him with all of my being. He loves and admires my drive to do the things I set my mind to. He appreciates that I am tough, independent, and sexually adventurous. He adores my soft side, and that I tuck love notes into his socks when he travels for work. He loves that I claim to hate getting flowers, yet he can see how pleased I am when he surprises me with them... I could go on for a long time, but I am sure that gives you a good idea.

In light of those things, is it reasonable to assume that someone else could replace me? 

No. Even if he loved and cared for someone as MUCH as he loves and cares for me, she would be different things to him than I am. I am special. No one is me, and I cannot be replaced.

What value do I add to his life? 

I bring him great joy and happiness. I hold him up when he feels like life is crushing him. I provide companionship. I fulfill his need for physical touch. I make him laugh. I make him think. I have very intellectual conversations with him. I assist him in fulfilling his life purpose. I am his best friend. There are more, but I can add more later, when it's not 1 o'clock in the morning, LOL.

Has Jack ever said/done/implied anything that would lead me to believe that he would leave me if he meets someone more physically attractive than I am? 

No. Those words didn't come from him. My source of low self-esteem related to my body image comes from years and years of being teased and called fat as a child. I also come from a family of overweight people who have been obsessing over their weight for my entire life. My mom especially has never held back when she felt I was getting too fat. While I don't feel at all that Jack would leave me, I fear not being good enough or thin enough. I was never thin enough for my mother. I was never thin enough or pretty enough to be popular in school or with the boys. I feel like I am not good enough because of my body. Jack has never once called me fat or implied that I need to lose weight. He is VERY supportive of my weight loss when that is what I want. When it is not what I want, he is supportive of that as well.

What Can The Partner Do?

- Create a safe place for the jealous party to express themselves

- Just listen at first. Let them work though it on their own a little. Give them at least 10 minutes of JUST LISTENING quietly. Hold their hand, nod, acknowledge them, but don't speak

- Give reassurance (reasons why you love them aside from sexual things or whatever is causing the insecurity)

A Closing Note:

Give yourself permission to freak out. Communicate to your partner that freaking out does not mean they have to STOP what they are doing, but that talking needs to happen ASAP. Then go though the above exercise with your partner and by yourself related to whatever is causing the freaking out.

* * *

See? Was that not an awesome exercise?? The best way to go about it is actually have your partner ask you the questions verbally. Answer them out loud, write down your answers if you like. That can actually be helpful for looking back on when your sweetie is out on the town and you are at home freaking out. Re-read your answers (as I intend to) and they may provide some comfort in the situation.

None of the stuff I wrote up there is new to me. I knew all that stuff already, but I think getting it out in that format really clicked with me on a more profound level than just going over it in my head.

It also forces you to rationalize your feelings rather than just running around with that gross feeling in your stomach going "OHNOZ! OHNOZ! I'm Jealous! OHNOZ" like a psychotic animal.

I am at the point where I feel that next step it to tell Jack to go for it, and push through any emotional distress to get to the other side. Who knows how I will feel once it occurs. Perhaps the build up and anxiety will all be for not, and my imagination is so much worse than the reality. Perhaps there will be a tremendous fall out and I will discover that really, poly is not for me. The fact is I don't KNOW for sure. There is only one way to find out, take the plunge.

I am just going to close my eyes, hold on tight, and roll with it.

Nobody's Angel is a contributing writer

Nobody's Angel; June 30, 2007 

Processing jealousy

It's not by accident that I haven't written an article about The Polyamory Experiment™ in about 4 months. Things have been too hectic to give it a lot of thought, I pushed it off, to the back of my mind and ignored it for a while.

Despite my best efforts, there continues to be constant movement under the surface. Although the process of moving across the country has pushed poly somewhat to the back burner, it lingers there, always scratching gently and waiting for my attention.

I have continued to fight and claw and struggle against my insecurities. I've talked until I have no words left. I've read and studied everything I can find on dealing with jealousy. I have spent a LOT of personal quiet time, just mulling everything over, churning it 'round in my brain until I develop a headache.

Progress has been made, although Jack has not yet had sex with another woman. Part of that is due to circumstance (he's been working like crazy for months) and part of it is due to his worry over potentially causing a tremendous fracture to our relationship.

Currently though we are right on the cusp of leaping off of that cliff and seeing what happens at the bottom.

As I was gathering my thoughts to write this, the most amazing thing happened. A new Polyamory Weekly podcast popped up on my RSS reader. Wouldn't you know, it was a special about jealousy! So I hit play and settled back to listen, and then began taking notes. I think that the Cunning Minx just changed my life, and the way that I process my jealous feelings. Please allow me to share with you what I wrote down from the show:

Nobody's Angel; June 30, 2007 

* * *

Jealousy

I was researching this topic, and want to do a series on jealousy in a poly relationship.
This is probably one of the most important things to understand, the other is communication.
I did not write this; in the first section the author was not noted. I will credit the authors as I go.  Thank you
~Sam

Jealousy

Jealousy is a very real and potentially ugly emotion to be present in any relationship. In a Poly relationship, however, the jealousy that people feel tends to be of a different nature entirely. In a monogamous relationship, jealousy tends to center around one partner basically being untrusting of the other partner in regards to a member of the opposite sex. Generally a wife becomes jealous if her husband spends a lot of time with another woman, or vice versa. From my point of view living in an extended family, I find myself jealous not of Kriek as a person, but occasionally of the time he spends with Sister Dagger or sometimes even the Relationship Dynamic that they share. (See Relationship Dynamics under the Practical Issues Section for more on this).

Once I find myself starting to feel jealous even in the slightest, I merely step back and look at the subject objectively. Our wife is a fantastic, loving woman who is sharing her life with two men and loving them both equally yet differently at the same time. Knowing her like I do, I know that she is trying to create a balance between the time she spends with both of her husbands so as not to create ill feelings or resentment.

Jealousy, like many emotions, is a healthy one provided that it doesn't fester and become a much worse problem for all parties involved. Jealousy that persists could very well be an underlying indication of a much more serious issue.

I think that it's important to note that while jealousy is an emotion, it's not one that can exist without many other companion emotions living with it. It's more likely a symptom of other issues or emotions then a free-standing emotion all it's own. In order to feel jealousy you must first feel something else. Think of jealousy as the end result of the experiment. What was it that served as the catalyst for this emotion you're feeling? Chances are that you'll never wake up in the morning feeling jealous without having at least one other emotion mixed in there. Every single person feels at least a twinge of jealousy at some time in their life. The sad thing is that many people don't realize it for what it is and chalk it up to something different entirely. Any person that tells you that they aren't the jealous type is making a blanket statement that's pretty hard to back up. The most important thing to overcome when dealing with jealousy is learning how to recognize it for what it is. After that it gets easier; well a little bit anyway.

Author
Nobody's Angel; June 30, 2007 

The Reality of Fantasy

By sub_kathleen

June 4, 20
We all have them, those amazing sexual fantasies; the ones that may have first introduced us to the passions burning with in us, the desires that go beyond the typical sexual acts of the vanilla couple.
The romantic, animalistic beautifully painfully and scary pictures painted in all those novels, the Victorian house maid, the pleasure slave, the kidnapped, bound and tortured and the 50 shades of whatever.

Perhaps it was these scenes that touched a place within us and created the need to explore and experience this beautiful and fulfilling BDSM lifestyle. So we begin our journey. But as we learn and grow and navigate this new journey we find that we live in a world very much removed from the fantasy. The question then becomes, can we create the fantasy within the world and relationship and path we are currently on? i will say yes, yes you absolutely can. And not just with role play and scenes but with your everyday 24/7 lifestyle.

It is crucial when we explore and grow that we also keep a balance on reality and still find the fantasy within that reality. I know that sounds a bit confusing but let me see if i can elaborate with a personal experience.

It was almost time for the fourth of July holiday weekend. Master planned a beautiful weekend at the shore. Sun, sand, the sounds of the waves as they caressed the shore. The smell of the salt water and the boardwalk fries. I was giddy with excitement and the thought of just getting away and spending time away from the house and chores. Time to just belong to Master.

Immediately i began to daydream and fantasize. Remembering all the amazing romantic beach scenes I have read and almost climaxed to.

*—–**The Fantasy…** Walking along the beach, alone, feeling the cool wet sand beneath my feet and missing Him. Wanting to just feel His touch. It’s the early evening and the sun has just about fallen behind the ocean and i am feeling a bit cold and empty, i look up to see the last of the sun sink into the water and then turn and there he was. I look up at Him confusion clear on my face. He said he couldn’t join me, said he had an emergency to take care of but there he was. Barefoot, shirt open, hair mussed by the breeze blowing off the water, eyes as dark and deep as the ocean, standing directly in front of me.
He grabs the back of my hair and pulls me into his arm for a kiss so hungry and wild i thought i would drown right there, unable to breath as if being swallowed by the ocean itself. As he releases me from the kiss he whispers, “it seems i have missed the sunset, but perhaps i can show you the beauty, passion and fire of the sunrise

Awakening from my daydream and feeling wet and wanting i realized there was much work to be done to prepare for the weekend and then i immediately remembered it would not be just Master and i on this trip. We are responsible for the care of my father who lives with us and he would be sharing this Holiday weekend with us.

The fantasy gone now i begin making arrangement with the kennel to care for our dog, making certain all the beach gear was clean and ready for packing. Setting up extra food and water and comforts for our cats who can take care of themselves for the weekend, packing for dad, preparing clothes for Master to choose from gathering our luggage and making my checklist so not to forget anything. This is the reality of the slave/submissive in my household. This is my reality.

So when does the fantasy start you may be asking? Well for me it already had. Going through my chores i think of myself as the house slave, running around to prepare everything for Master. Making certain that when it is time to leave for the weekend all Master need do is get into the car and drive. I can hear Him say, “good girl, you have remembered everything”. i smile, bow gracefully and think, yes this weekend will be perfect. I love making my reality my fantasy .

**—-The Reality….** The day we arrived at the Hotel on the beach we were under a Hurricane warning. It was crazy. The waves were angry and large walls of water were rushing in to pound the shore. But most of the storm had already passed us and the conditioned promised to improve. Master and i didn’t care, we were away from home and the stresses of the everyday and Master as always promised to make this a memorable trip. So we checked in and got dad all settled into the room where he settled in for his afternoon nap. Master informed Him that we would be going out to find a place to grab a bite and would bring him back a snack. And so we did.

Throwing on the rain poncho’s i packed, hand in hand we walked along the boardwalk in the rain and wind, barefoot and laughing at our luck and reconnecting as Master and slave. We talked about the plans for the remainder of the trip and Master made a few changes to adapt to the unpredictable weather conditions. Master insisted we shop for sweat jackets in case the temperatures dropped in the evening because of the storm and then we found a little place on the boardwalk for a couple of beers and some salad and sandwiches. It was perfect and magical and every bit as hot and passionate as those romance novels. Master taking control, daring the weather to interfere with the plans he made, yes it was my reality/fantasy. Can you see it? Can you feel it?

After lunch as we walked backed to the hotel Master asked what i was thinking and i said, Sir, i was recalling a fantasy i recently had. It took place on the beach as the sun came up. “Continue he said” So i did, “We were on the beach You, me, sand the rising sun. Your hunger and passion so strong. You pinned me down and tore the cotton shirt from me then used it to bind my wrist, then lifting my skirt you took every bit of what was rightfully yours to take Sir”. Looking down and smiling as we continued to walk i could hear Master’s growl and then chuckle but He said nothing more. I ended the story there but shared one final thought. “Sir you know i have never actually seen the sunrise from the ocean before.” Master replied “This is a public beach you know” Then i chuckled and replied, “yes Sir, i know”

The day and evening continued as planned, the weather cleared and the fireworks show was fantastic. The crowd began to clear and we took a slow leisurely stroll back to the hotel, dad following behind in his scooter and stopping to get the ice-cream dad requested and coffee for ourselves and if i recall a snack for the room.

With dad all tucked in we sat out on the balcony of our room and just took in the sound and peace of the ocean. Then off to bed to recharge for the full day planned tomorrow.

It was 4:00 am when Master woke me. Whispering in my ear He said, if you don’t get up you will miss it. Miss what i said… The sunrise of course.

He had the chairs all set up on the balcony and He wrapped us up in the bed blanket and out to the balcony we went. It was so calm and peaceful. As the first signs of light began to show we could see a few people walking on the beach and jogging along the boardwalk. But we were on the top floor, cuddled together in the warmth of Master’s arms and the blanket and no one could see us. No one could tell. We sat patiently in silence holding each other and waiting as the golden light of the sun began to peek up from the ocean. Then as it grew brighter and the golden color turned to a warm glow of red mixed with gold and white and it was breathtaking…and for a moment i was transformed back to the fantasy i spoke of earlier, and the whispered promise of her Master *(“it seems i have missed the sunset, but perhaps i can show you the beauty, passion and fire of the sunrise” )* and a smile spread across my face as a tear of absolute love, gratitude and happiness ran down my cheek. I turned to Master and said “thank You Master, You have given me my fantasy.
Then with a wicked smile Master turned, looked at me with those deep dark eyes, took my hand under the blanket and placed it where i could feel His growing passion and then He said, “now that i have given you your fantasy it is time to give your Master one of His. Show me how you thank your Master for making you cry…

This is a true story and shared of course with Master’s permission.

You see it is not always what we expect but what we feel and see and appreciate in what we have that can make the Reality a Fantasy. If you seek it i’m sure you will find it as well.

Thank you Master, with gratitude from your loving slave……

Of Dom/mes and Monsters

I could not stomach the 50 shades book; a friend had asked me to read it.  I tried, but I just could not get past the girl’s blushing; it sounded like a love struck teenager wrote it.  I did go watch the movie with my sub; I was so curious.  I totally understand the feelings portrayed ever so slightly by Christian; he seemed so repressed and miserable, but there was something that seemed familiar.  I was hung up on one thing though.  When Anastasia asked him if he gets off on beating women, and then asked why he can’t be normal.  I felt like it hit a nerve.  So if he is a sadist, and enjoys giving pain to another, that makes him a monster?  There is a huge difference between consensual BDSM (where there is consensual pain), and abuse, (non-consensual pain). 

I know many Dominants are not into pain, it is different in my case.  So this explains part of my motivation.  Since I was 12 I have been having fantasies that I thought would make me a monster.  The things that turned me on always involved violence, but I never said a thing.  I was going to catholic school, I didn’t even tell the priest at the confessional.  I was terrified that someone may find out, I was afraid of my own drive at this point.  I suppressed it for a long time, but my day dreams were always violent and about control over another person.  I have a hard time even as I write it out now.

I was taught D/s when I was 18-19, but I didn’t get as far as pain was concerned.  I still had my monster suppressed very securely in the dark recesses of my heart.  I sometimes slipped up and hurt my partner during sex, but he seemed to not take notice much.  We would usually be drinking, and I don’t think he remembers. 

A few years ago, my best friend asked to become my sub.  He submitted to me and it blew me away.  We had been talking for years, and at some point I told him I had this monster.  I told him about some of my fantasies.  When he was receptive, so I let out all my secrets.  He wanted to be mine, and receive the pain that I may give.  I tried it once, and then switched to feel what he felt.  I realized I loved every bit of it, except I am resistant to giving up control.  But now I felt the other end of the stick, so to speak.   Now I understood why he liked it, and it made me weak in the knees.  We both found acceptance of our deepest desires, and it was amazing that we found our other puzzle piece.

I do not “get off” by beating people.  What turns me on is feeling his fire.  He enjoys the pain I give, he accepts me for who I am, a sadist.  He doesn’t accept the pain only to make me happy;  I can tell by his body language that he enjoys what I have to give.  That feeds into me, and back into him.  As I use implements to cause him pain, I often ask how he is doing.  He has told me that he can tell if I am not giving my all, and controlling myself too much. 

Sometimes playtime is like walking a tight rope; you have to walk that thin line between total control over yourself and your emotions, and loosing yourself.  When you start losing yourself, that is called Dom-space. When you are about to “lose it” you need to stop immediately; your sub’s safety is now at risk.  When I got there the first time, it frightened me.  I felt like I was enjoying it too much, and about to lose control.  I was flogging my sub, and was hitting harder and harder.  He was sweating and had been feeling a lot of pain  by now.  Somehow between his body language and the music, I wanted so badly to let go.  You know, like when a horse decides to ignore the rider and run wild with no control whatsoever.  I heard my sub scream in pain, (he doesn’t do that often, this was probably the only time). That threw me over the edge, and I had to stop immediately.  If I remember correctly I dropped to my knees, and put down the flogger.  I had to breathe, and regain my control; it felt better than any sex, ever.  It was a high like no other.  So now what?  Does that make me a monster?  I stand on my belief that it would only make me one, if I was doing this to an unwilling victim.  Once I regained my control I got up and started winding my sub down to cool down.  We had a talk later about it.

What I am getting at, is that I agree that we all have a monster inside.  Most people either block it out, or repress it.  Some people hate that monster; others are terrified to even acknowledge it.  I am grateful to be one of the few lucky ones who are able to control and embrace this monster.  I have been so relieved to have found others like me, and find out I am not alone.  I met some wonderful people at our local dungeon.  I saw that we are not completely crazy, but fortunate to have found our other half to our puzzle.  We have a deep understanding of ourselves and our submissives.  Our subs are our most precious possession, and we treasure them accordingly.  Our connection is so much deeper, because there is a great acceptance, and huge trust. 

I have found myself circling my sub like a wild animal about to pounce on their prey, and it’s totally acceptable to us.  I feel free to be myself, and I feel so alive at that precise moment.  I am only telling you what I see and feel from my perspective, everyone’s experiences are different.

As excited as we all feel of being able to control our monster, and let it come out to play, unfortunately it’s not something we can be openly proud of.  Some things need to be kept private; we can’t go out to buy groceries with a slave on a leash, but we can smile on the thought of them waiting for us when the time comes to be with them.

~Sam

THE HEART OF THE MATTER

I want to express to you what this lifestyle means to me.  No, it is not about sex, and it is not about cheap thrills or one night stands.  It is not easy, and it is not all rainbows and unicorns.

This is a lifestyle that takes a lot of work, patience and dedication, it is not for everyone.

Sex is easy, animals can have sex; BDSM is an art.  It is about the essence of a person connecting in the most intimate way with another soul.  It is getting to know each other, and not in the way you think. 

From here on, I am referring to a D/s (Dominant/submissive)  relationship with romantic attachment. Meaning a relationship with your significant other that includes D/s.  There are many kinds of BDSM inclusive relationships, not all have romantic attachment.  Some of these things also repeat in other types of D/s relationships, it all depends on the dynamic.

A Dominant must know what their sub fears the most, what he/she loves the most.  A Dominant should know what makes their sub tick.  What turns the sub on, what motivates the sub, emotionally, and physically.  The Dominant shall get to know the demons that lurk in the dark recesses of their sub’s mind.  He/she should be able to lure those demons out, and help the sub tame them.  The Dominant shall recognize their own and their sub’s strengths, weakness, and deepest “forbidden” desires. 

It takes a lot of love and dedication to see a person for exactly who they are, with all their flaws, demons, weaknesses and admire the beauty within the soul.

It takes a very strong person to submit, to give control to another person, over their body and mind.  This would mean bearing your soul for another to see your true self in its most natural state.  The sub is not a weak person, but a very strong one, to accomplish this, and let go.  A sub shall get to know their Dominant so well, that they can connect in the deepest level. The sub will be able then to strive to please their Dominant and care for them. 

The Dominant shall protect, nurture, love and cherish their sub.  A sub is the most precious possession a person can ever have.  Who can say they own a person, mind, heart, body and soul?  The Dominant is there to guide and teach the sub, not to change the sub, but to bring the sub to grow and blossom under the loving hand of the Dom/me. 

This is a symbiotic relationship, as most should be; both participants give and take.  They both treat each other with utmost respect and love. 

The kinky sex and possible play sessions can be part of a relationship or independently of it.  Everyone builds their own dynamic in a way that feels right for them. I have plenty of documents to explain pain, toys, implements and fetishes.  I just wanted to explain the heart of the matter here.

March 2016

~Sam

Today

Advice

Good stuff!

February 11, 2016 at 12:20 AM

A few years ago, my husband wrote a book.  It was a great book, and we wanted to have it published one day.  He had hired an editor to edit it in pieces, as we could afford it.  At that time, my husband was deployed, and I was sending receiving the chapters, printing and sending to the editor.  

During this time, I e-mailed Anne Rice, yes, Anne Rice!  I think I must have lost my mind.  I sent her a message, asking for her advice on publishing.  I had sent information requests to supposed publishing companies.  Their information was hazy as best.  Too much tiny print and too many pages of things to read and understand.  Bottom line, they all wanted money, a lot of it.  They had promises of fame and fortune, but I was skeptical.

I received an e-mail response from Anne Rice, not too long after I sent it.  I was blown away, to say the least.  She has been my hero since I was 19.  I started reading her books back then, and she had me since the first book.  She is magical!

Her advice surprised me, she said that what I had in mind was correct.  I was leaning towards self publishing through Blurb.  I had found out that the priest who gave me up for adoption had passed, while looking for him online in 2001.  I found out someone wrote a book about him, a picture book.  it was published through Blurb, that is how I discovered Blurb.

Anne Rice said that times are changing, and this is the way to go.  That publishers are very picky, and for a new author it is very difficult to get accepted.  She added that, most publishers we find online that do want us newbies, they want money.  They want us to pay to print many copies of the book, that we ultimately have to sell ourselves.  

And what about the promises of fame and fortune, of  success?  Well, the publishers will print the book, but we authors have to do our own leg work.  We still have to promote, and network, and promote some more.

Besides all that advice, I also learned through her words.  I wrote to her later on to tell her that we had self published my husband's book, and thank you for her advice.  I had other small communications with her.  She encouraged me to write.  When I doubted myself, she made me understand that, I may not be the best, I may not be the worst.  I shall not compare myself to other writers, i am me, I am unique.  I should go ahead and write what I wish without fear or doubt.   Just go forward, and write what I feel like writing.

I have done just that, and somehow, I was able to finish two novels with the help of my Daniel, and the encouragement of my husband.  I have just touched our books on Sunday for the first time.  it feels incredible!

I wrote a comment to Anne Rice today, and shortly after, I had a response.  I am touched and grateful.  She is a kind sweet soul.  I want to offer any other new authors that would like me to tell them how I did it, I can guide them, show them how I did it.  I want to help others how Anne helped me.  I can only pass on the knowledge I have, it is little, but it may help someone.

~Sam