Understanding BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Submission, Sadism/Masochism)

I am writing this for the curious about BDSM.  I could go over acronyms and which role better suits you.   BDSM is a lifestyle that can be adapted to anyone.  We all have different lives and different relationships; and the BDSM lifestyle can be modified to fit.

First, I will tell you the basic personality types. 

A Dominant type is the kind of person who likes to take the lead.  Always leads by example, and is usually outgoing and likes to take care of others.

A submissive type is the kind of personality in which a person loves to be of service to others.  This type of person likes someone else to take the lead, they are happy following.  Sometimes they need to be told what to do to gain direction.

BDSM is a power exchange based on trust.  Meaning that the person who takes the role as submissive would give control to the Dominant.  Of course, there is much more to this as well; these are just the bare basics.

There are people who in their daily lives have to be in control at home and or at work; but there are times in which they desire to relinquish control to another and take a break.  Not everyone who has a dominant personality takes on the role as a Dominant in BDSM. 

There are people who are submissive all day in their lives and are shy, but they would love to take control for just a while, doing something they feel safe doing and empowering themselves.

Besides those two roles, there is also a third one: a switch.  This person is one who is flexible and can take on either role. 

So which role fits you the best?  Are you the type to take on responsibility? Are you the type to lead and others follow?  How do you feel about doing that in the bedroom as well?

Are you the type who would like to take orders and be happy fulfilling them?  Are you the type who has the urge to please others?  How about in the bedroom?

Once you find out where you fit, then you know you have taken the first step.  Next step is talking to your significant other about what is it that you are curious about.   Maybe you do not have a significant other, if you don’t have one yet, I suggest you start researching this topic and read about what interests you the most.  It could just happen to be you have a silk sheets fetish, or a curiosity to experience the touch of a violet want.  You never know!

Pain can be a part of BDSM, it is up to the participants, and every dynamic is different.  You may be a masochist, or a sadist, both, or neither.  I think this is the most fun ingredient, along with bondage; but every case will be different and very personal.  You may want a light spanking for fun, or you may want to bite your partner when you get excited.  I suspect many people get bites and scratches during sex, it may be something you enjoy. 

How to bring the subject up?  You are one who knows best how to gauge the situation.  Maybe bringing up the subject gently at the right time, just introducing it.  Maybe going all out and leaving 50 shades on the table while you go to the bathroom, and letting your partner see it.  You are the one who will know which approach is best, everyone is different.

Now, if you would like your spouse to join you in learning about BDSM, be gentle.  You cannot force someone to like this; they may look into it and say, “no thanks”.  I hope to God that is not a reason to dump your partner and run off looking for a fantasy.  There are ways to integrate small bits of this in your life without causing upset; you just need to be creative and think of your partner’s wishes as well.  I will later share an article on negotiation.  I f you need it sooner, please ask.

I must clarify, that sex may or may not be a part of the BDSM dynamic, it is up to the individuals.  Sex can be part of it, but must not be the only part of it.  Anyone can have sex, animals can mate, BDSM is an art.  Sex is not the focus of BDSM. 

I highly suggest being open and honest about your preferences, dislikes, and curiosities.  Talk it out, make sure that whatever experimentation happens, that is Safe, Sane and Consensual at all times.  Your life is precious, please stay safe. 

And now I get serious.  The most important part of BDSM in my opinion is safety.  We all want to have fun; we all want to experience this awesome bondage thing we have been hearing about.  Fun is great, but we want to live to do it again, right?  We will also need to survive it with all body parts attached and all internal organs intact.  Pain is only fun when it is done in a safe and calculated manner.

What we absolutely need to start out, is common sense, (and sobriety) while participating in BDSM.  Build that on a good relationship (doesn’t have to be a romantic one), and a very strong foundation of trust.  If there is not trust, don’t do it. Remember, you are handing over control of your body mind and soul to another person, to some extent, and for an agreed period of time. 

BDSM is not a game, and people are not toys.  I have seen it one too many times; men who pretend to be a Dom, to take advantage of an unsuspecting sub.  They use BDSM as a way to get laid and that is it.  They sometimes use and dump people and have no regards for them.  That is just the small stuff, trusting a stranger to tie you up and use weapons on you is not smart, use common sense!  I have also seen women string along the men and sweet talk them telling them they are a new sub, and have no idea how this works, please teach the helpless scared little girl.  They play the men either for attention or for money.  I know, it happens all the time, but it doesn’t make it right.

I also have seen many people that want an instant D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship.  They want to just have it magically appear.  How many times have we seen it on Facebook “I want a Dom, and I want one now!”  I can almost see the women stomping their little feet and whining about it not being fair.  They see someone who resembles a Dom, has the lines down pat, and they throw themselves at him.

Sadly, a few weeks later, you see them back on Facebook, hurt, sad, broken.  Sometimes the “dating” (sexy fun) lasts a few months, most times it doesn’t.  As I said, this can be done as a type of business arrangement with someone you trust, even someone you may be paying for their services.  There are professional Dominants who will accommodate you.  If you go this route, it is good to ask for references, or reviews before jumping in.  Just as you would if you are taking your child to a therapist; you check to make sure they are reputable and safe.

If you choose to go the romantic way, the key is that a D/s relationship is no different than regular dating.  You should in fact build a regular relationship before jumping into D/s.  If you want a good relationship that lasts, you should first get to know each other, see if you are compatible.  And yes, some old fashioned courting should be part of it.  Once you have established a good relationship, then you could move on to add D/s.

This takes work, and it takes time.  Things that last, and are real, are worth the time and effort invested in it.

In this day and age, people want immediate satisfaction.  So we have fast food, fast internet, fast everything.  Let’s not lower out standards by having our D/s be the same.  Fast, fun, and then gone like a shooting star.

When you plant a tree, you take the time to pick the seed you want; you plant the seed, raise and nurture it until it becomes a strong tree.  Yes it takes time and effort, but in the end, you have a good tree, that has grown strong roots and lasts for many years.  If you instead shortcut, go get a half grown tree that was somebody else’s and stick it in your front yard, chances are the first strong wind will take it down.  Chances are, it could be infested and you just brought an infestation to your home.  Chances are it was dying inside, and you had no idea.  It was a cheap and fast way to get a tree, but now you regret it, because it didn’t last.  (just an example)

I am not saying all relationships built fast won’t last.  I am just saying that you are dealing with other people; treat them as such, get to know them.  Women in the Personals Classifieds are not a piece of meat!  Men in the Classifieds are not a source of free income, gifts and attention.  We are all people, even if we are online, treat each other with respect, and use common sense.  Seems with the internet age we want things now, and many people cannot distinguish the fantasy of Facebook and the reality of people’s lives clearly.  Don’t get frustrated seeing your friends’ “perfect” lives.  They only tell you the good parts, and embellish them to make it sound amazing.  Relationships take work and they are not perfect; be patient.

Even if you are not in search for a partner, it is good to slow down and smell the roses. 

~Sam Marie

P.S.  Men are not always Dominant, and women are not always submissive, please keep that in mind.  Despite some of the pictures I post, it is not always the case. (Assumptions in this case are my pet peeve)